A new priest at his first
mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka
next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he
took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous
and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office
after mass, he found the following note on his door:
Sip the Vodka, don't
gulp.
There are 10 commandments,
not 12.
There are 12 disciples,
not 10.
Jesus was consecrated,
not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey,
he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to
Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and
Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
David slew Goliath,
he did not kick the shit out of him.
When David was hit
by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to
the cross as the Big T!
When Jesus broke the
bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body",
he did not say, "Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is
not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
The recommended grace
before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
Next Sunday there will
be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at
St. Taffy's.
